Be forewarned for you non-hockey loving readers, there's probably going to be a lot of Habs talk with just a dash or two of madness scattered throughout.
Things That Make Me Go AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!
Pretty much everything to do with Jacques Martin, but most especially his inability to coach the Habs to my exacting standards. I expect I could do better than him at the moment even though I’m not Francophone and have no experience, but I’m not sure I could do better than the current Montreal fanbase, a lot of which seems to make more sense than he does.
Francophone goalies who come to the Bell Centre and proceed to make themselves at home by putting their feet up and relaxing in the opposing net while the Habs make them look like the next Vezina candidate. Bonus hate points if the goalie is truly excited at playing in front of family and friends, loves the atmosphere of the Bell, and has a 1.00 GAA average at the Bell along with standard shutouts. Off the top of my head, this category would include the Toronto netminder JSG, Theo Fleury of the Pens, Jose Theo of the Wild, and most especially Martin Brodeur.
Martin Brodeur. Ever read his book? Vainglorious asshole is pretty much my critique of the entire thing. No one loves Marty like Marty does.
Except maybe RDS. RDS does not love the Habs. RDS defaults to the Habs when there’s no Francophone player to gush over on the opposing team. With Marty in nets, the Habs get no love from the only station that is supposed to give a shit whether they win or lose. The Habs may have to be loyal to their French heritage, but the French media feels no such obligation to the Habs. For a truly excellent take on this, try this article by my fellow blogger Cathy on her excellent Habs-Rants site.
Nova Scotia drivers. It is totally unnecessary to come to a complete and full stop on a green light, THEN put on your turn signal and THEN check both ways before turning left. It’s really not.
The New Jersey Devils. The name alone is a vicious lie. The New Jersey Beltway would be a better name for this team. They clog up all the traffic, slow you down endlessly, and are as boring as hell. This isn’t hockey. This is the visual equivalent of a Jacques Martin four hour post-game dissertation on how his team’s power play is a work-in-progress despite a training camp and 20-odd opportunities.
The Habs power play. It sucks.
Andrei Markov. He’s still injured. He might be able to fix the power play. Then again, he might not. Also, if he does fix it, he can never get injured again. Even if he doesn’t fix the power play, it’s probably best if he never gets injured again. He needs to be re-signed by the Habs.
Tim Horton’s. If there’s absolutely no other cars in the drive thru in the dead of night why does it take me 5 minutes to get some service? No service = no tip.
Jaroslav Spacek. I don’t wanna pick on specific players cause we’ll be here all damned day, but he’s turning into MAB for me, only without MAB’s shooting ability.
Imminent rumors of a MAB return. Why? Because PK Subban on defense isn’t enough of an adventure? Anyone else remember MAB’s blind passes through the neutral zone? Or how about him dropping the puck every time an opposing player came near him? Just say NO to MAB.
Parallel parking. I can’t do it. I just can’t.
Things That Make Me Go SQUUUUEEEEEEE!
Brian Gionta. Gio! Squuuueeeeeeee! I don’t know why. Also sometimes in this category are Tomas Plekanec and Andrei Markov.
Jacques Martin’s neckties. I know! Me liking something about Jacky Marty! But he has nice ties. Also, I like his funny ears because they’re probably the most entertaining things about him.
Tim Horton’s coffee. I’m an addict. I don’t care to do the 12 steps unless it’s towards one of their buildings.
Benoit Pouliot. It’s not a popular choice I know, but I’m an underdog-rooter-for kinda gal, and he’s taking a beating from the fanbase right now so I’m having a soft-hearted moment. This certainly won’t last, but it’s turning into some serious entertainment in the meantime.
Brian Gionta’s “No Comment” at the pressers. His lack of commentary actually says a helluva lot. Mostly it says "Zebras suck ass but I can't complain cause they'll take it out on my team even more". I concur.
Hal Gill’s sword. I really want to see it. It’s an ACTUAL sword you gutter-minded people! Honestly!
The night shift at Canada Post. There’s no overnight supervisor and a lot of time to goof off on twitter when the mail volume is light. There’s also really no co-workers, no rush, and no noise except for the automated machines. I can wear my Ipod and shake my groove thang all I want, which as it turns out, is an awful lot.
The cleaning guy at the post office who caught me shaking my ass and dancing around as I put the mail into the carriers’ walks. He laughed and smiled and did a little ass-shaking of his own. I don’t know his name, but he’s definitely cool.
The Habs goaltending. It’s one of the few problems they aren’t having. Added bonus – the huge servings of crow Carey Price continues to dish out to the haters. I doubted, but I didn’t hate. Just sayin’.
The Habs Penalty Kill. Unlike the power play, it doesn’t suck.
The Bell Centre faithful. A lot of the time the crowd’s reaction is pretty much mine. Mad at the zebras? Check. Sleeping through half the game (at least the first half I saw). Check. Also, Marty and his New Jersey Sleeping Dogs might do well there, but it’ll never be home for them. The Bell will always hate them, even if RDS doesn’t.
RDS. I can now watch all 82 Habs games for a paltry $5.99 a month. This beats the half-dozen or so I got off the CBC last year. Bonus points is that I don’t have to listen to Bob Cole and/or Don Cherry with their Habs hate, and my French is not quite good enough to pick out everything RDS is saying anyway. Also, I have full control of my mute button when I do understand a wee bit too much.
My Habs den. It totally rocks!