Thursday, July 3, 2014

Cold Hard Bitch

I am who I am and I don't like yams.
I blog a lot about my family and hockey and I usually overlap the two on this blog because it amuses me to do so and it generally pisses them off or makes them laugh, and I like a laugh and/or revenge, as the situation warrants.

But every now and again I go on a rant, and such was the case last night on twitter. After a Day From Hell, I read my timeline, got tired of the same old BS and went on a 30 point twitter rant, only 29 of which were unpleasant.

I know I pissed off a lot of people because there was a fantastic amount of subtweeting going on after I ranted and left (in my defence it was midnight), and really I'm okay with that.

Other than spelling mistakes or to clarify I'm not going to edit these tweets except to say this about number 2, which seems to have generated the most subtweets: go ahead and love the sport and love the player all you want.

Sit in your room and bawl your eyes out for days (by your own admission since it leaked the Habs were trying to deal Gorges) and write him love letters and quit on the team. But the second you throw that shit out onto twitter you've chosen to make it public and willingly opened yourself up for a reaction, be it positive or negative.

I never said you didn't have the right to feel the way you do. But I am going to mock you for the four days of teenage crush angst drama and wailing you've spewed onto my timeline over somebody you've never even met and who doesn't know you exist. I'm a cold hard bitch.

I realize that I left a lot of shit out in the ether, so to speak, and I won't be pretending to retract any of it, so if you're here for an apology you might just want to go watch porn or something instead. I don't care. But you're not getting one.

30 Hockey and Habs Rage Tweets

1. MB (Marc Bergevin) does not need the fans advice. This includes those who think you know better than him due to advanced stats and popular fan blogs. Get over yourself or get an NHL gig.

2. If you "literally cry" when a player leaves how the fuck do you cope with actual reality? You're not his fucking wife or BFF. Get a grip. It is one thing to be upset. I didn't dig dealing Muller. But fucking crying over it and writing epic letters of undying love? LMFAO PLEASE

3. If you need a particular player on a team to support that team, you are a fan of the player and not the team. So just step off. Actually that last was probably still part 2 but what the fuck ever. I'm raging right now.

4. Gionta and Gorges do not suddenly make the Sabres Stanley Cup contenders. Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?

5. Hockey players are in it for the money. Sure it's nice to love a city & the fans & shit but they want their $. Saying otherwise is a lie.

6. The next lockout would be the last if the fans would actually wield their power & boycott the NHL for even 1 week for this shit. I didn't go to MTL for a year after that last one because it was a protest on my part. Went to Panama instead. Otherwise we're accessories.

7. I'd trade anybody & everybody for a 25th MTL Cup. I'd shave Youppi and kick his ass up and down St. Cat's. This includes PK and Price.

8. There are too many fucking hockey blog websites saying the same thing 10,001 different ways. I'm bored by 10,000 of them.

9. Trevor Timmins does a fine job & this is to that asshat Guy Smith on Habsaddict & his anonymous alter ego. Bitch let's see you do better.

10. Also, Guy/Anonymous unless you can replace a 39 goal scorer willy nilly you can just step right off dissing Max. Get thee to rehab idiot.

11. The next person that wants to define a "true hockey fan" or "true Habs fan" for me can save their tweet, unfollow & block. #fuckoff

12. I still can't stand Lars Eller. Probably never will. Ditto for DD, who at least earned my respect. Still waiting for Lars.

13. I think Pierre McGuire is probably the biggest idiot in hockey TV, rivalled only by Don Cherry. It's a close fucking race.

14. Lost in all of this is the fact that MTL has become attractive to UFAs again, which took a long time, and was part of MB's doing. If you recall (and I do) we were once in Toronto's position where paying anything & everything still couldn't get them to sign with MTL... ESPECIALLY the home grown talent. And who could blame them? But by all means hate on MB for dealing Gorges. Because that's all that counts.

15. MT was not my first choice for the coach, but since I'm not fucking MB guess what? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK. #perspectivebitches

16. I'd rather be horsewhipped than see another player be signed for his name & language. I realize this may piss off RDS but I risk it. I can't remember the last time something galled me as much as Briere getting signed & handed the torch. He didn't earn it, okay? I'm fucking glad he's gone. Yes I pulled for him because he WAS WEARING THE SWEATER but I never liked the signing. And not because of his name and heritage but because he's overrated, washed up and expensive. So there you go.

17. I've seen it taken for granted that the #Habs will make the playoffs next year & I'd really like to see where that's written. And I don't mean twitter but I mean where it's written in the fucking NHL rule book or something. They are not guaranteed SHIT!

18. Just once, just ONCE, I'd like the TSN panel to say something nice about the Habs and fucking mean it. It's to the point I'd pay $. This goes double for CBC. I'd also sell my entire twitter follower group upriver to never have to suffer HNIC's pro-TO agenda ever again. It's not that I don't love you but with what I've gone through today you're pretty much all I have left anymore.

19. Bettman is an affront to the sport & its fans. Is he a great businessman? Sure & the owners love him. But he's a joke that needs to end.

20. The reffing in the NHL is colossally stupid, in need of some accountability & a major overhaul... Yeah and this goes back to HNIC & the CBC & shit I suffer as a hockey fan. What I want to know is why is there no accountability of the reffing in the NHL? Is there a shortage of wannabe zebras that we can't risk offending the blind or biased ones we've got? And don't tell me they aren't either. I've watched Crosby stand on the ice, whining to the refs - meaning 6 men for Pittsburgh - while the Habs wanted a too many men call. He did it for half a minute. No call. But then you get idiots like McLean who think that French refs favour Montreal. I can tell McLean never watches a Habs game from this single fucking remark because it's usually the opposite. They call the Habs for every goddamned thing so as to not appear biased.

21. Why is there no freedom of speech in the NHL? If a coach says the reffing was shit he gets a fine. Canada & the US are free but not if you're an NHL coach with a pair of eyes and a brain. Then you get fines. Also fines are stupid because these people are RICH AS FUCK. WE ARE THE ONES who make them rich as fuck. Yet we can't hear what they really think and feel like they're humans frustrated by their bosses.

22. Why are there no consistent rules for infractions in the NHL? Why are there no lifetime bans for repeat douche offenders? It's all so fucking arbitrary and as a fan I think a lot of it is who is friends with Bettman and whoever is running the discipline. And that is a fucking joke because there is no discipline in the NHL, just confusion. I don't trust TPTB (The Powers that Be) in the NHL. Do you?

23. There should be no more NTC contracts or clauses. They are POINTLESS. What a fucking joke. Why even bother?

24. I don't GAF who is the next Habs captain. There I've said it. IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's for the fans, and this fan doesn't care. Really. Why does it matter who the next Habs captain is? Is there some goddamned criteria required to stand there & spout clich├ęs at the media? "We gave 110%. Credit to the other team. We came out flat. We need to regroup. We did some good things." *insert eye roll here* And that ties back to my earlier point about how the NHL does not allow its coaches and players to speak freely. It's the fucking Kremlin. Perhaps if the team captains were allowed to HAVE A FUCKING PERSONALITY OR UNCENSORED OPINION I'd care but they don't so I don't.

25. This sport leaves a lot to be desired for its fans. They can have fan night all they want & signings & shit but really they take us for granted and as a fan I get to resenting it. I watch UFA and the $$$ they get handed out like they're curing fucking cancer or something while the rest of us save up & budget to afford a single game (if we're lucky to even get tickets & good luck with that at times) and I really think the NHL as a whole really ought to try stopping with the Kremlin shit & be more engaged with its fans. This particularly includes the NHL social media team accounts and especially the players, who use this shit to endorse their products. I followed Mike Cammalleri for a year & all I saw was fucking Biosteel tweets. So I don't follow players anymore. The rest barely tweet or are boring and insanely politically correct. When did twitter become so fucking PC for the NHL? It should be fun.

26. Hockey is too expensive and I don't mean just to go and watch a game. Rogers is going to fuck over the Habs fans out West and all I can say is welcome to my world. In the East unless you pay for a premium package your choices are Toronto. That's it. RDS cost me six bucks a month but I flat out fucking refuse to subscribe to TVA. They can just fuck right off. So I'm left with what? NHL Center Ice? That's not cheap. (Then) there's the actual kids playing the sport. Equipment and lessons and gas and hotels and who can afford it? It has gone from pond hockey to an elite sport. I speak just from watching the kids around my hometown this past winter. Some kids couldn't afford it. What is that shit? When I was a kid we put on some cheap ass figure skates and we didn't wear all this shit and we didn't get hurt & we had fun. Now? I need a second income if I want to help my 5 year old nephew play. So do his parents. It's ridiculous.

27. The concussion protocol room is not being adhered to. I really don't believe it. A player should not get to override medical protocols. I once ended up in the hospital after a car accident (it's on my blog) and I wanted to leave and I got vetoed by the medical staff. They were concerned I might have possible internal bleeding (I didn't) or a concussion (I did). They are trained to assess me better than I can myself, and while I get that the players want to get back out there etc. they should be overruled no matter what. And if a player has to miss a month due to a cheap goddamned hit to the head (intentional I mean) then the offender should miss the same # of games. I mean why does the offender get to continue targeting others? But again that goes back to the arbitrary discipline point earlier.

28. Ice girls are an affront to women, and in particular hockey fan women. And then there's the whole fucking puck bunny thing. #bitchplease Here's the difference between a female hockey fan and a puck bunny - because a lot of people don't seem to grasp this: I like hockey. I watch hockey. I watch all hockey, including women's hockey. Puck bunnies watch the men who play hockey. They watch who is single and try to meet them. They fangirl over their hair and shit. They obsess and "literally cry" and shit. Sure I like MB and I think he's attractive (I have eyes that work, thanks) and I like to chime in and have fun but really... #perspective. I don't actually GAF who he's sleeping with. I won't literally cry when he's gone. I don't watch every interview he's ever given. I won't write epic love letters to him. Right now he's in my orbit because he runs the team I love. I'm a hockey woman fan, not a puck bunny. And while I'm on this subject I once got interviewed on a radio show and was asked such enlightening questions as who my fave player was (Larry Robinson) and other "girly" questions. They didn't GAF what I actually thought about the team or the sport. I left feeling offended. I remember once a couple of puck bunnies got national airtime for being all fangirly and not discussing / contributing anything other than "oh he's so cute" and "he has the best hair" and shit like that. Is that really what hockey guys think of us gals who like this sport? I've got no time for that. That shit is offensive to me as a hockey fan and as a woman. I don't follow puck bunnies, ok? Just FYI.

29. These "hockey insiders" with the scoops and the trade spec... this shit is so old. Who the fuck do you think you are? Why do you have a single follower you twitter whoring idiot? Do people actually believe you? I'm going to start selling bridges to these people.

30. OK I'm done. If you're still reading  I thank you. I can't get to all my mentions right now. Welcome new followers. I didn't blog this shit because frankly I didn't know it was going to go to 30 points. I had maybe 5 before I got started and then got warmed up and all hell broke loose and came pouring out of me. This happens at time. You guys are warned. Peace out (or not). Your choice.

Disclaimer: not sure why comments aren't showing up. I disabled the spam verification blocker but the comments are set to post upon entry. I'm not screening / moderating. Apologies folks.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Ten Things About the 2014 Stanley Cup Playoffs That Suck

This is so me.
One of these years the NHL and its idiotic agenda, especially during the post-season, will not drive me to max out my credit card at the local liquour store.

This is not that year.

This year I'm pretty much learning that there's an awful lot of bullshit that surrounds my favourite sport, almost all of which could be avoided if someone would just buy a clue.

Here are my leading candidates for the Playoffs Doghouse.

1. The NHL Scheduler

Saturday afternoon playoff games to pander to NBC is ridiculous. It has no bearings on the ratings for that network, hurts the ratings for the bread and butter Canadian networks, does not attract new fans to the sport and generally pisses off the regular fans. Why do it? Because NBC has the whip and Bettman is the little bitch wearing the spiked neck collar, five inch stilettos and black leather. Enjoy that mental image.

2. Hockey Night in Canada

I don't understand how the go to stalwart show for hockey fans in Canada went so badly off the rails. During the intermission Glenn Healy - a subpar backup goaltender in his heyday who has turned out to be a subpar commentator - took the time to analyze the way rookie Habs netminder Dustin Tokarski tied his pads. I shit you not. Because it's the playoffs, apparently.

This is so Don Cherry.
3. Don Cherry

The only time I've truly enjoyed watching Don Cherry on Coach's Corner probably came last night when he was forced to state, on air (and no doubt at gunpoint held by a producer strategically off camera) that he is pulling for the Montreal Canadiens because they are the only Canadian team left in the playoffs. If that didn't taste like absolute horseshit in his mouth nothing ever will, and since I've been forced to mute his horseshit for years now, I am thoroughly enjoying the payback. I hope it hurt like hell when he swallowed too.

4. CBC, TSN, NHL, etc.

I'm sure other hockey players have had parents die unexpectedly and tragically. I'm not sure I've ever seen raw footage of the players teammates filing solemnly off a bus and into the church, then standing around chatting looking sad before. I'm not sure why the networks and newspapers felt the need to show any of it. Surely this is a time to employ some restraint, discretion and respect?

Instead of feeling badly for Martin St. Louis (which I did initially) I grew to suspect his grief was being used to exploit ratings and garner sympathy for the Rangers, even by head coach Alain Vigneault. Hey Dr. Vigneault (I'm sure Carey is fine and we're preparing for him - oh no we knew it would be Tokarski by Sunday night) you can have your Win One for the Gipper speech without the cameras rolling. Just saying.

5. Chris Kreider

Did he even apologize for hurting Price? I realize the injury is subjective (IMO guilty as charged) but only regretting not scoring and not, say, actually injuring another person is an asshole comment. He also said something to the effect of how he seems to have trouble with those plays, meaning ones where he runs the goaltender. So maybe try not to do that then, and also learn some manners. I've already had enough shenanigans and low brow shite with Milan Lucic and I thoroughly despise when the antics regularly overshadow the games.

6. Thomas Vanek

I just blogged about him for my new gig over at Puckrant, but in a nutshell I don't want to keep this guy. Yes he's an elite talent who will cash in big time, but I hate floaters. Vanek doesn't GAF about anything other than staying healthy so he can get paid, and thus I don't GAF about Thomas Vanek other than he's hogging a roster slot that belongs to someone who actually does want to play for the Canadiens in the post-season. So enjoy him Minnesota, particularly his cap hit and failure to show up more than once in a blue moon, whenever he feels like it.

Oh and for the record, I don't like Batman either.

7. Hypocrites

I really find it hard to believe other fan bases would be just fine and dandy with Max Pacioretty crashing into two different goaltenders in the playoffs and taking out one for the duration of a series. So why do the Montreal fans not get a right to be upset or bitter about this? If it was YOUR goaltender in the ECF that got injured would you not be upset? Cut the Montreal fans some slack. Check your shit at the door and at least have the decency to STFU.

8. Stats

I've really tried to work hard to appreciate stats, but the fact is I hate them. I get that the Canadiens dominated and there are Fenwick and Corsi and whatever the hell PDO is to prove that they should have won the game. It's apparently great and encouraging for the team's future and all that. But in the here and now of the playoffs we are down by 2-0 and that's pretty much all I care about at the end of the day.

Not that I don't respect and appreciate the effort and the hard work, but it really just does not help me feel any better Not even a little bit. Plus I've always hated math with the white hot hellfire of 1000 suns, so there's that.

9. The Hockey Gods

If there are Hockey Gods they've got a series hate on for the Habs when the chips are down. First Richard Zednik in 2002, Saku Koivu's eye injury in 2006, half the roster last year including Lars Eller and Carey Price, and now Carey Price once again. It'd be nice, refreshing and a true novelty to see if this team can actually contend but first they'd have to have their key players stay healthy deep into the run.

10. The NHL Officiating
This is so NHL right now.

I've lost count of the number of wave offs out of the face off dot by power tripping officials during last night's matchup between the Habs - Rangers alone. And they're not immune to it in the Western Conference either. The officials jaw jaw jaw, wait for someone to move in anticipation, wave them out, then wait for a new player, THEN drop the puck.

It's completely ridiculous.

Then there's the non calls on blatant infractions, followed by suspect make-up calls on softer infractions to keep things even.

If Montreal gets tossed into the box for a shitty call (hello Alex Galchenyuk) then within the span of a few minutes they are going to get a pity fuck make up call to put them on the power play.

This never works, and two wrongs don't make a right. Not ever. Most kids learn this in grade school. The NHL referees still don't have that shit figured out, or else they do it to keep things interesting for the sport. Instead of keeping me interested though, it makes me lose respect.

And that bullshit call that they finally "got right" in that opener between the Kings and the Hawks was all kinds of ridiculous. They used video review to review a non-reviewable play, called the war room, did a song and a tap dance, a little stand-up routine, and THEN got it right.

Holy hell, maybe try some training and some psych 101 counselling for these refs. Most of all try some accountability. Just not letting them work the post-season is not enough of a stick.

Spare the rod, spoil the idiot!

Yes you can tell I'm not a parent but this is a professional sports league, not a five year old child. Try acting like it.