Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Roz the Righteous

My armour here is mostly Maybelline.
I wasn't going to blog but then I watched a pre-season game with my mother who lost her mind over a pre-season game and I thought, "Yeah that's about right" and so now here you are reading my shit. I hope, at the very least, you are drunk like me. It takes the edge off.

We watched the Habs beat the Bruins tonight in pre-season. This was of enormous relief to my mother.

"I don't give a fuck," she screeched at the squad of Montreal rookies. "You do NOT lose to Boston. DO YOU HEAR ME?"

Apparently they did, or at least Christian "I didn't get a star though I totally deserve one for busting my ass every shift" Thomas certainly did.

There's a lot we can take in this family. Losing to Boston is not one of them.

"I like him," Mom said of Christian Thomas before he got the first goal, let alone the second. Meanwhile I was enjoying watching Jiri Sekac (aka Sex) and Michael McCarron.

Really though I've taken the summer off twitter what with growing a business and being outside and not obsessing over hockey and all.

I've been getting my graphic design business off the ground and on those rare occasions I'm sitting around not doing anything, I've been playing a version of Roz the Righteous on Skyrim. This is thanks to my brother.

"You should be a knight like me," he said. "A Templar Knight dedicated to truth and honour. Especially honour."

For those of you who don't play video games, Skyrim is where you slay dragons (you're called the Dragonborn) while not trying to take an arrow to the knee or letting someone steal your sweet roll. It's a massively involved game where you literally fix the entire world.

So no pressure.

On my first attempt I committed a couple of murders and did some thieving. Apparently that is not in keeping with the way of Righteous Knights.

"No! No! No!" said my brother. "You're doing it wrong. Re-start your game."

Take two saw a more Righteous Roz. I slew dragons. I sought out flowers for little old ladies who tried to kill me.

"I am Roz the Righteous," I said aloud to the TV. "I will not kill you even though I am really a bitch and you're pissing me off with your sanctimonious judgement." I might as well have been talking to the Hockey Gods cause they just laughed at me.

My brother spoke to me of a cult because I downloaded a DLC. "Drag them into the alley before you kill them," he said. "Otherwise they litter the streets forever."

I didn't know WTF he was talking about but pretended I did. "Oh sure, sure. Alleys. Check."

I warped into a town and whilst I was mid-conversation with a local about some bear skins my follower engaged in mortal combat with the town's police force and a psychotic cult. I cut them all to ribbons and texted my brother.

"I'm in the hoosegow!"

"Go figure," was his response. "Stop KILLING PEOPLE."

Where's the sympathy?

I restarted again and adopted a child with a pet crab who is frankly really creepy crabbing around the house and making creepy crab noises. I'd kill it but my kid Blaise - and really WTF kind of name is that for a child unless you force him to eat paste every day - loves it and I don't want to hurt my kid.

"I don't want kids," I texted my brother to which he replied, "Too late."

So Roz has taken to killing really everything that is NOT pleasing to her and stands within her quest to be the ruler of all earth and really, this is my kind of game because apparently deep down I secretly harbour homicidal despotic tendencies.

My mother decided I was trying to hard to kill and/or save everyone and dragged me out of the house.

We went for drives with my cousin Sharon and these jaunts turned out to be nothing except for all the "No Trespassing" signs. It seems to be a huge thing in Newfoundland because apparently everyone has them.

I'd never seen so many "No Trespassing" signs in my life. And there were really only 2 family names on the mailboxes too.

"Just like the Hatfields and the McCoys," I said. "In Newfoundland we have the Gillises and the Lomonds! I wonder if there's bloodshed?"

"More likely there's a still and some moonshine somewhere," said my mother. Considering my family once bootlegged on the Nellie J. Banks, I'm not one to point fingers here.

In any event, the trip with cousin Sharon was uneventful and boring. For some reason, whenever we bring a third party along nothing ever happens. Fast forward a week when Mom and I were driving alone together into Corner Brook.

We got unexpectedly detoured. We no longer deal well with this.

"This is YOUR FAULT!" said Mom.

"I didn't decide to do construction on the Stephenville turnoff today," I yelled back. "How is this my fault?"

We started winding our way through the backwoods and decided upon the Dirk Gently mode of navigation.

If you haven't read any Douglas Adams Dirk Gently books I can only pity you, but basically his mode of navigation is this: follow someone who looks like they know where they are going. You may not end up where you want, but you usually end up where you need to be. Seriously though, read the books.

"They're all turning right," I said. "Turn right. Turn! Turn! Turn!"

Meanwhile Bro was texting: "Laurel and Hardy go for a drive starring you two boobs." In all fairness, we have been lost before.

"We are following somebody who looks like they know where they are going," I texted him.

"Yeah," was the reply. "And meanwhile this idiot is like: we must be going the right way cause this asshole is right on our ass. Enjoy Gander."

I'll let you google map that.

At any rate we made it home only two hours later than we had intended. So it's an improvement I guess.

And to swing this rambling blog back to hockey I sent my Dad a message while he watches from a sunny beach in Panama, "Bring Scotch. Bring the biggest bottle you can."


Jiri Sekac, Christian Thomas, Michael McCarron, Greg Pateryn, Dragon Armor


Jake Dowell, Jarred Tinordi, Miraak


My bar tab. I can't afford it and it's only pre-season. I'm hoping to offset by charging big money to watch my Mom yell at a the TV during Habs games. It's my only hope.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Cold Hard Bitch

I am who I am and I don't like yams.
I blog a lot about my family and hockey and I usually overlap the two on this blog because it amuses me to do so and it generally pisses them off or makes them laugh, and I like a laugh and/or revenge, as the situation warrants.

But every now and again I go on a rant, and such was the case last night on twitter. After a Day From Hell, I read my timeline, got tired of the same old BS and went on a 30 point twitter rant, only 29 of which were unpleasant.

I know I pissed off a lot of people because there was a fantastic amount of subtweeting going on after I ranted and left (in my defence it was midnight), and really I'm okay with that.

Other than spelling mistakes or to clarify I'm not going to edit these tweets except to say this about number 2, which seems to have generated the most subtweets: go ahead and love the sport and love the player all you want.

Sit in your room and bawl your eyes out for days (by your own admission since it leaked the Habs were trying to deal Gorges) and write him love letters and quit on the team. But the second you throw that shit out onto twitter you've chosen to make it public and willingly opened yourself up for a reaction, be it positive or negative.

I never said you didn't have the right to feel the way you do. But I am going to mock you for the four days of teenage crush angst drama and wailing you've spewed onto my timeline over somebody you've never even met and who doesn't know you exist. I'm a cold hard bitch.

I realize that I left a lot of shit out in the ether, so to speak, and I won't be pretending to retract any of it, so if you're here for an apology you might just want to go watch porn or something instead. I don't care. But you're not getting one.

30 Hockey and Habs Rage Tweets

1. MB (Marc Bergevin) does not need the fans advice. This includes those who think you know better than him due to advanced stats and popular fan blogs. Get over yourself or get an NHL gig.

2. If you "literally cry" when a player leaves how the fuck do you cope with actual reality? You're not his fucking wife or BFF. Get a grip. It is one thing to be upset. I didn't dig dealing Muller. But fucking crying over it and writing epic letters of undying love? LMFAO PLEASE

3. If you need a particular player on a team to support that team, you are a fan of the player and not the team. So just step off. Actually that last was probably still part 2 but what the fuck ever. I'm raging right now.

4. Gionta and Gorges do not suddenly make the Sabres Stanley Cup contenders. Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?

5. Hockey players are in it for the money. Sure it's nice to love a city & the fans & shit but they want their $. Saying otherwise is a lie.

6. The next lockout would be the last if the fans would actually wield their power & boycott the NHL for even 1 week for this shit. I didn't go to MTL for a year after that last one because it was a protest on my part. Went to Panama instead. Otherwise we're accessories.

7. I'd trade anybody & everybody for a 25th MTL Cup. I'd shave Youppi and kick his ass up and down St. Cat's. This includes PK and Price.

8. There are too many fucking hockey blog websites saying the same thing 10,001 different ways. I'm bored by 10,000 of them.

9. Trevor Timmins does a fine job & this is to that asshat Guy Smith on Habsaddict & his anonymous alter ego. Bitch let's see you do better.

10. Also, Guy/Anonymous unless you can replace a 39 goal scorer willy nilly you can just step right off dissing Max. Get thee to rehab idiot.

11. The next person that wants to define a "true hockey fan" or "true Habs fan" for me can save their tweet, unfollow & block. #fuckoff

12. I still can't stand Lars Eller. Probably never will. Ditto for DD, who at least earned my respect. Still waiting for Lars.

13. I think Pierre McGuire is probably the biggest idiot in hockey TV, rivalled only by Don Cherry. It's a close fucking race.

14. Lost in all of this is the fact that MTL has become attractive to UFAs again, which took a long time, and was part of MB's doing. If you recall (and I do) we were once in Toronto's position where paying anything & everything still couldn't get them to sign with MTL... ESPECIALLY the home grown talent. And who could blame them? But by all means hate on MB for dealing Gorges. Because that's all that counts.

15. MT was not my first choice for the coach, but since I'm not fucking MB guess what? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I THINK. #perspectivebitches

16. I'd rather be horsewhipped than see another player be signed for his name & language. I realize this may piss off RDS but I risk it. I can't remember the last time something galled me as much as Briere getting signed & handed the torch. He didn't earn it, okay? I'm fucking glad he's gone. Yes I pulled for him because he WAS WEARING THE SWEATER but I never liked the signing. And not because of his name and heritage but because he's overrated, washed up and expensive. So there you go.

17. I've seen it taken for granted that the #Habs will make the playoffs next year & I'd really like to see where that's written. And I don't mean twitter but I mean where it's written in the fucking NHL rule book or something. They are not guaranteed SHIT!

18. Just once, just ONCE, I'd like the TSN panel to say something nice about the Habs and fucking mean it. It's to the point I'd pay $. This goes double for CBC. I'd also sell my entire twitter follower group upriver to never have to suffer HNIC's pro-TO agenda ever again. It's not that I don't love you but with what I've gone through today you're pretty much all I have left anymore.

19. Bettman is an affront to the sport & its fans. Is he a great businessman? Sure & the owners love him. But he's a joke that needs to end.

20. The reffing in the NHL is colossally stupid, in need of some accountability & a major overhaul... Yeah and this goes back to HNIC & the CBC & shit I suffer as a hockey fan. What I want to know is why is there no accountability of the reffing in the NHL? Is there a shortage of wannabe zebras that we can't risk offending the blind or biased ones we've got? And don't tell me they aren't either. I've watched Crosby stand on the ice, whining to the refs - meaning 6 men for Pittsburgh - while the Habs wanted a too many men call. He did it for half a minute. No call. But then you get idiots like McLean who think that French refs favour Montreal. I can tell McLean never watches a Habs game from this single fucking remark because it's usually the opposite. They call the Habs for every goddamned thing so as to not appear biased.

21. Why is there no freedom of speech in the NHL? If a coach says the reffing was shit he gets a fine. Canada & the US are free but not if you're an NHL coach with a pair of eyes and a brain. Then you get fines. Also fines are stupid because these people are RICH AS FUCK. WE ARE THE ONES who make them rich as fuck. Yet we can't hear what they really think and feel like they're humans frustrated by their bosses.

22. Why are there no consistent rules for infractions in the NHL? Why are there no lifetime bans for repeat douche offenders? It's all so fucking arbitrary and as a fan I think a lot of it is who is friends with Bettman and whoever is running the discipline. And that is a fucking joke because there is no discipline in the NHL, just confusion. I don't trust TPTB (The Powers that Be) in the NHL. Do you?

23. There should be no more NTC contracts or clauses. They are POINTLESS. What a fucking joke. Why even bother?

24. I don't GAF who is the next Habs captain. There I've said it. IT DOESN'T MATTER. It's for the fans, and this fan doesn't care. Really. Why does it matter who the next Habs captain is? Is there some goddamned criteria required to stand there & spout clich├ęs at the media? "We gave 110%. Credit to the other team. We came out flat. We need to regroup. We did some good things." *insert eye roll here* And that ties back to my earlier point about how the NHL does not allow its coaches and players to speak freely. It's the fucking Kremlin. Perhaps if the team captains were allowed to HAVE A FUCKING PERSONALITY OR UNCENSORED OPINION I'd care but they don't so I don't.

25. This sport leaves a lot to be desired for its fans. They can have fan night all they want & signings & shit but really they take us for granted and as a fan I get to resenting it. I watch UFA and the $$$ they get handed out like they're curing fucking cancer or something while the rest of us save up & budget to afford a single game (if we're lucky to even get tickets & good luck with that at times) and I really think the NHL as a whole really ought to try stopping with the Kremlin shit & be more engaged with its fans. This particularly includes the NHL social media team accounts and especially the players, who use this shit to endorse their products. I followed Mike Cammalleri for a year & all I saw was fucking Biosteel tweets. So I don't follow players anymore. The rest barely tweet or are boring and insanely politically correct. When did twitter become so fucking PC for the NHL? It should be fun.

26. Hockey is too expensive and I don't mean just to go and watch a game. Rogers is going to fuck over the Habs fans out West and all I can say is welcome to my world. In the East unless you pay for a premium package your choices are Toronto. That's it. RDS cost me six bucks a month but I flat out fucking refuse to subscribe to TVA. They can just fuck right off. So I'm left with what? NHL Center Ice? That's not cheap. (Then) there's the actual kids playing the sport. Equipment and lessons and gas and hotels and who can afford it? It has gone from pond hockey to an elite sport. I speak just from watching the kids around my hometown this past winter. Some kids couldn't afford it. What is that shit? When I was a kid we put on some cheap ass figure skates and we didn't wear all this shit and we didn't get hurt & we had fun. Now? I need a second income if I want to help my 5 year old nephew play. So do his parents. It's ridiculous.

27. The concussion protocol room is not being adhered to. I really don't believe it. A player should not get to override medical protocols. I once ended up in the hospital after a car accident (it's on my blog) and I wanted to leave and I got vetoed by the medical staff. They were concerned I might have possible internal bleeding (I didn't) or a concussion (I did). They are trained to assess me better than I can myself, and while I get that the players want to get back out there etc. they should be overruled no matter what. And if a player has to miss a month due to a cheap goddamned hit to the head (intentional I mean) then the offender should miss the same # of games. I mean why does the offender get to continue targeting others? But again that goes back to the arbitrary discipline point earlier.

28. Ice girls are an affront to women, and in particular hockey fan women. And then there's the whole fucking puck bunny thing. #bitchplease Here's the difference between a female hockey fan and a puck bunny - because a lot of people don't seem to grasp this: I like hockey. I watch hockey. I watch all hockey, including women's hockey. Puck bunnies watch the men who play hockey. They watch who is single and try to meet them. They fangirl over their hair and shit. They obsess and "literally cry" and shit. Sure I like MB and I think he's attractive (I have eyes that work, thanks) and I like to chime in and have fun but really... #perspective. I don't actually GAF who he's sleeping with. I won't literally cry when he's gone. I don't watch every interview he's ever given. I won't write epic love letters to him. Right now he's in my orbit because he runs the team I love. I'm a hockey woman fan, not a puck bunny. And while I'm on this subject I once got interviewed on a radio show and was asked such enlightening questions as who my fave player was (Larry Robinson) and other "girly" questions. They didn't GAF what I actually thought about the team or the sport. I left feeling offended. I remember once a couple of puck bunnies got national airtime for being all fangirly and not discussing / contributing anything other than "oh he's so cute" and "he has the best hair" and shit like that. Is that really what hockey guys think of us gals who like this sport? I've got no time for that. That shit is offensive to me as a hockey fan and as a woman. I don't follow puck bunnies, ok? Just FYI.

29. These "hockey insiders" with the scoops and the trade spec... this shit is so old. Who the fuck do you think you are? Why do you have a single follower you twitter whoring idiot? Do people actually believe you? I'm going to start selling bridges to these people.

30. OK I'm done. If you're still reading  I thank you. I can't get to all my mentions right now. Welcome new followers. I didn't blog this shit because frankly I didn't know it was going to go to 30 points. I had maybe 5 before I got started and then got warmed up and all hell broke loose and came pouring out of me. This happens at time. You guys are warned. Peace out (or not). Your choice.

Disclaimer: not sure why comments aren't showing up. I disabled the spam verification blocker but the comments are set to post upon entry. I'm not screening / moderating. Apologies folks.